


In Which Karkat Vantas Must Explain Quadrants To His Redrom Interest Dave Strider Whilst Utilizing Troll Falsettos: A One Part Mini Opera

by Capripian_Light_Of_My_Derse



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn, Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, M/M, One Shot, all the ships are minor except davekat, also all the characters aren't important except dave and karkat, like the characters aren't actually interacting or anything, the falsettos part is just talked about, two gays watching movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 17:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14242128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capripian_Light_Of_My_Derse/pseuds/Capripian_Light_Of_My_Derse
Summary: Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you are tired of being an unrequited romantic inclined towards your fellow knight, DAVE STRIDER. You finally decided to take action. This entails two bowls of ice cream, a copy of Falsettos, and several acts of shenanigans from your fellow players on Earth C.Alternate title: Karkat: Explain Troll CultureDisclaimer: Mostly horrible jokes and ship cameos.





	In Which Karkat Vantas Must Explain Quadrants To His Redrom Interest Dave Strider Whilst Utilizing Troll Falsettos: A One Part Mini Opera

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all this is my first oneshot and I've got to say that if it seems uninteresting I apologize for that. Uhhh dedicated to Tumblr User @where-are-zebedes-bees, you've been a great help, Jaye.
> 
> A lot of this piece's word count is the wikipedia synopsis of falsetos, so that's begun and ended with **** if you want to skip it
> 
> I have to say thanks to Hussie for creating Homestuck as always!
> 
> Have a good time reading!  
> -Capripian

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and your (maybesortof) flush-crush DAVE ELIZABETH STRIDER is a fucking asshole human who has no idea of your culture. You grab a bootleg of Human Falsettos and head over to his respiteblock, pulling your trademark black sweater with your sign on it over your head. 

"Typical humans...fucking ridiculous species..just need to fucking shut up...bulgesuckers...", you mutter as you stomp past Terezi, Kanaya, and Vriska's rooms in your communal hivestem. 

A squeaky yell was heard from Vriska's room, "Shut the fuck up, Karkat!". Oh. You suppose you may not have been as quiet as you thought you were being. Were Vriska and Terezi back in a quadrant again? Based on the muffled hatesnog sounds coming from Serket's room, you'd assume so. You'll have to inform Nepeta of this development when you next find her in the bubbles, she's been tracking this ship for months.

_=== >_

You arrive at Dave's respiteblock and knock on the worn grey door, hoping that he's in there, or at least a double of him. A faint grumble comes from inside, followed by an actual voice.

"Hey kitkat, come on in. As long as you don't have the shitty troll version of 50 First Dates, you're permitted to be in my sicknasty room." Ah, there's the nookmunch you have so much inexplicable love for. You step into his respiteblock and pull two bowls of ice cream out of your sylladex, making sure to get Dave's favorite flavor(cherry).

"Dave. Due to your lack in knowledge of troll culture, quadrants specifically, I am going to show you this **amazing fucking example** of quadrants presented in a form your puny human brain may actually understand, though it's extremely fucking unlikely. This is a human musical called  Falsettos, which I found in a dream bubble." You take a deep breath after your gigantic fucking rant. Your god title should be the Waste of Breath, because you sure do waste a lot of it.

"Wait man, you have Falsettos? That's actually a musical I always wanted to see before SBURB, but my Bro was a homophobic fucking asshole so he didn't let me see it," Dave says, seeming actually...excited? Weird. You wouldn't have pegged him for a Broadway kind of guy. Not that you... Read up on Broadway or anything... In hopes of maybe impressing him... Not at all.

Anyways, there are some things you need to teach this cute asshole before you start the musical.

_KARKAT: EXPLAIN PLOT OF FALSETTOS_

"Okay, nookstack, i'm taking this description from the synopsis on human Wikipedia so it's going to be a piece of shit but get the general point across," you say, taking out your husktop and reading the description below:

****

_(((It is 1979 in New York City, and Marvin, his son Jason, his psychiatrist Mendel, and his boyfriend Whizzer are ("Four Jews In A Room Bitching"). Marvin steps forward to explain his situation: He has left his wife Trina for Whizzer, but Marvin wants ("A Tight-Knit Family") and is attempting to forge a new family situation with the addition of Whizzer, a situation no one is happy with._

_Trina, on Marvin's recommendation, pays a visit to Mendel where it becomes clear she is having trouble accepting the end of her marriage and her failure to be a perfect wife. Mendel, instantly attracted to her, tries to reassure her that she is not to blame ("Love is Blind"). Marvin and Whizzer comment on their relationship. They have very little in common but are intensely attracted to each other. Both worry that ("The Thrill of First Love") is wearing off._

_Whizzer presents an interlude: ("Marvin at the Psychiatrist, a Three-Part Mini-Opera"). In part one, Mendel asks Marvin about his relationship with Whizzer and Marvin discuss both his love for and his frustration with his partner. In part two, Mendel, obviously aroused by Marvin's ex-wife, brings up Trina, and winds up interrogating Marvin about her bedroom habits. In part three, Marvin and Jason provide counterpoint on the distance in their relationship._

_Ten-year-old Jason is very worried that because ("'My Father's a Homo'") he will turn out to be one too, and he has become moody and withdrawn. Trina and Marvin decide the best way to deal with Jason's mood swings is to have him start therapy, and they both suggest for him to see Mendel ("Everyone tells Jason to see a Psychiatrist"). His parents are shocked when Jason demands advice from Whizzer before he will agree to see Mendel._

_Marvin and Whizzer fight over Whizzer's lack of_ _enthusaism_ _for_ _monogomy_ _and Marvin's trying to pigeonhole him into the role of a homemaker. Meanwhile, Trina complains to Mendel how her role in the family is shrinking, as Whizzer becomes increasingly prominent in Marvin and Jason's lives, and everyone lashes out at Marvin. ("This Had Better Come To A Stop")._

_Despite her attempts to maintain a sense of normalcy, Trina is spiraling out of control ("I'm Breaking Down"). Jason continues to misbehave and Trina phones Mendel frantically to ("Please Come To Our House") for dinner and therapy. Mendel arrives and immediately charms Trina. He and Jason settle down for ("Jason's Therapy"). Jason frets about his future and Mendel, in a very round-about way, encourages him to relax and enjoy life. After several such dinners combined with psychiatric sessions, Jason asks Mendel what his intentions are towards Trina. Mendel clumsily makes ("A Marriage Proposal"), and Trina accepts. Marvin is furious that he is losing his family as well as his therapist ("A Tight-Knit Family (Reprise)")._

_In ("Trina's Song"), she reflects on her situation. She is tired of the man's world she lives in, and even though she knows that Mendel is the same kind of man Marvin is, childish and neurotic, he loves her and she needs to feel wanted. In contrast, the four men sing a hymn to all varieties of masculinity, with the three adults to match Jason's unbroken voice ("March of the Falsettos")._

_Marvin tries to teach Whizzer how to play chess, but bitterness and ill-feeling boil over ("The Chess Game"). They fight and break up. Meanwhile, Trina and Mendel move in together and start ("Making a Home"). As he packs, Whizzer reflects on ("The Games I Play") with his own heart._

_After receiving Mendel and Trina's marriage announcement, Marvin confronts Trina and incoherently accuses her of ruining their family, finally breaking down in rage and slapping her ("Marvin Hits Trina"). Shocked by his actions, everyone confesses that they never intended to feel so deeply about the people in their lives, and accept the pain that love can bring ("I Never Wanted To Love You")._

_Marvin is finished with Whizzer and his relationship with Trina is in tatters, but Marvin can still salvage his relationship with Jason, who has just discovered his love for girls to his immense relief. Marvin sits Jason down for a talk ("Father to Son") and tells him that he loves him, and no matter what kind of man Jason turns out to be, Marvin will always be there for him._

_Mendel shines a flashlight into the audience on a dark stage, welcoming us to "_ _Falsettoland_ _," the story's conclusion. It is 1981, two years later. Nancy Reagan is in the White House, and the cast has been enlarged by two: Marvin's lesbian neighbors Dr. Charlotte, an internist, and Cordelia, a shiksa caterer specializing in Jewish cuisine. Marvin observes that it's "About Time" to grow up and get over himself. He has managed to maintain his relationship with Jason and now shares split custody with Trina, who has married Mendel. He has not seen Whizzer for two years and has not gotten over him._

_One day, when she arrives at Marvin's home to take custody of Jason for the week, Trina informs Marvin that it is time to start planning Jason's Bat Mitzvah, probably the last pleasant thing the ex-couple will do together. The pair immediately start bickering to Jason's dismay and Mendel's amusement. Mendel encourages them to have a simple party and to relax about it, but Marvin and Trina (and Cordelia, the caterer) will have none of it, intent on throwing a party to be remembered ("The Year of the Child")._

_The scene moves to Jason's Little League Baseball game. While at bat, Jason has a lot more on his mind than the game - he is trying to decide which girls to invite to his bar mitzvah: the girls he should invite, or the girls he wants to invite ("The Miracle of Judaism"). Everyone is attending "The Baseball Game," watching Jewish boys play very badly and getting a little too involved, when Whizzer suddenly arrives; Jason had asked him to come, to Marvin's shock and Trina's unpleasant surprise. Whizzer gives Jason some well-needed batting advice and he and Marvin reflect on how much they miss being together. Marvin cautiously asks Whizzer on a date just as Jason manages to hit the ball. He is so shocked he forgets to run._

_An interlude: "A Day in_ _Falsettoland_ _." In Part One, "Dr. Mendel at Work," Mendel listens to the self-involved blather of a yuppie patient and agonizes about being a child of the sixties stuck in the eighties and how his work is taking a toll on his marriage. In Part Two, "Trina Works It Out," Trina works out to a_ _jazzercise_ _tape and tries to understand why Marvin and Whizzer getting back together is so upsetting. In Part Three, "The Neighbors Relax," Mendel and Trina discuss Marvin and the Bar Mitzvah while exercising and Charlotte comes home to Cordelia cooking "nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine." Cordelia asks Charlotte how her day was at the hospital, and Charlotte exclaims that today was a rare day without a death. Meanwhile, Marvin and Whizzer play racquetball and bicker when Whizzer beats Marvin soundly. All reflect on how wonderful life is._

_The peace does not last long. Marvin and Trina are warring over every aspect of the Bar Mitzvah ("The Fight"), which makes Jason want to call it off. Mendel consoles the boy, telling him that "Everyone Hates his Parents" at his age, but everyone also matures and hates them less._

_Marvin sits in bed one morning, looking at the sleeping Whizzer. "What More Can I Say?" he asks, wondering at how much he loves him. Dr. Charlotte, meanwhile, is becoming aware that "Something Bad is Happening" among young gay men in the city who arrive at the hospital sick with a mysterious illness that no one understands. Rumors are spreading, but the disease is spreading faster- then Whizzer collapses suddenly during a game of racquetball._

_Whizzer is in the hospital, and Trina is disturbed to find how upset she is at his condition ("Holding to the Ground"). In Whizzer's hospital room, Everyone gathers to cheer him up, commenting on how well he looks. Marvin provides love, Cordelia chicken soup, and Mendel some terrible jokes. Everyone agrees that it is "Days Like This" that make these secular Jews believe in God. Only Jason, in childish honesty, is able to tell Whizzer the truth: that he looks awful._

_Mendel and Trina sit Jason down and give him the option of "Canceling the Bar Mitzvah" if he feels he can not go through with it. Jason finally learns that Whizzer may not recover and storms off, bewildered and upset. Marvin sits in Whizzer's hospital room, soon joined by Cordelia and Dr. Charlotte, and the four "Unlikely Lovers" reaffirm their commitment to each other despite the worsening situation._

_As Whizzer's condition worsens, Jason turns to God, offering to get Bar_ _Mitzvahed_ _if Whizzer gets better ("Another Miracle of Judaism"). Dr. Charlotte explains to Marvin that "Something Bad is Happening," and heavily implies that Marvin may become sick as well. Whizzer's illness becomes terminal, and he resolves to face death with dignity and courage ("You Gotta Die Sometime")._

_Suddenly everyone bursts into the hospital room. Jason has had an epiphany: he wants to hold "The Bar Mitzvah" in Whizzer's hospital room. Trina could not be prouder. Everyone notices how much Jason looks like Marvin. Jason goes through with the Bar Mitzvah. As Jason completes his recitation, Whizzer collapses and is taken from the room, followed by all but Marvin._

_Marvin, left alone, asks the departed Whizzer what his life would be if they had not loved each other ("What Would I Do?"). Whizzer appears, dressed as we first saw him, and the two sing together one last time. When Whizzer asks if Marvin regrets their relationship, Marvin doesn't hesitate to say that he'd do it all over again._

_As Whizzer fades from sight, Marvin's friends and family surround him, and he finally loses his composure and breaks down in their arms. As the lights begin to fade on "_ _Falsettoland_ _," Mendel steps forward one last time to face the audience, tearfully declaring that "this is where we take a stand.)))_

****

Dave just looks amazed that you've done such a word vomit as to read that all out in one breath(note:amaze Dave more often). You think you hear the faint giggle of a ghostyTrickster. Ah. John FUCKING Egbert. Typical for the Heir.

"Okay, while that was fucking crazy and probably related to john in some way, howsabout we start this film and you pause it in key places to explain your kiss-my-sisses and more-hails," Dave cracks a grin and leans forward a bit in his alchemized beanbag, dropping another next to him for you to sit on. You decide to ignore his, frankly, racist and stupid comment and sit down right next to him. Maybe a bit closer than you needed to... But what more could you say? The film began playing on Dave's oddly high-tech flat-screen, and you give him a bowl of ice cream that has by now begun to melt. His little grin when he ate the treat would be adorable to anybody, right? Gog damn it, you're so flushed for him.

_KARKAT: WATCH THE PROFESSIONALLY FILMED BOOTLEG AND EXPLAIN QUADRANTS_

You eat all your ice cream within 2 minutes and begin explaining key parts of quadrants to Dave.

"So you see Marvin? He's currently in a full suit in troll terms, though in human terms he's just got too many fucking romantic attachments. A full suit means you have all four quadrants," you begin, feeling Dave's attention yet confusion.

You decide to start with something familiar, "So a matespirit is basically a... What's the word you fuckasses use? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Wife?Husband? I'm still very fucking confused. Someone in red, sexual romance with you." Dave actually seems to be interested in what you have to say behind his cool kid facade. He nods once, prompting you to continue.

" So Trina, Marvin's matespirit, is annoyed because for humans Marvin chose Whizzer, his kismesis, over her. A kismesis is someone you like hating, yet who is also romantically attractive. They're your... Rival would be the word for you hornlickers. If Marvin was a troll, since we're so fucking better, Trina and Whizzer would be equal in his life. Instead, he drops Trina and tries to be red with Whizzer. You can see how this would be easier with quadrants."

Dave is beginning to look confused again, and he raises his hand like a wiggler. So pitiful..."Hey yo Karkat I'm still really fuckin confused cuz you never really explained how you can have more than one... Errr... Quadrant at a time." Humans. It's hard and they never understand.

"Well, let's take Sollux as an example, even though you hardly know the half-dead asshat. You know how he's red for Aradia, right?" Dave nods. "Sollux is also in kismesistude, or blackrom, with Eridan. He balances the two in his life and they both get his attention." You think Dave is starting to catch on until he does that stupid thing humans do and opens his food chute.

"Wait, so its like poly? That's when 3 or more people are all in love with each other, bee tee dubs," Dave asks, sticking your bowl into his sylladex.

"... Sort of. Except since you loser humans can only feel one quadrant, they're all in some form of weird red-pale smear of a relationship. With quadrants, they can be in up to four, each cut and dry." you finish, seeing Dave, sweet beautiful Dave, finally understand.

He nods his little cool kid nod, but you know underneath his onion-like layers of irony he was genuinely thankful for all your help. Probably. You retain hope that it could be possible. On the subject of hope, a muffled cry of  _'Ballyhoo!'_  echoed from somewhere hard to place.

You continue explaining as "Marvin at the Psychiatrist, a Three-Part Mini-Opera" comes on. "So Mendel in this first part is acting like both a moirail and an auspistice to Marvin. He's helping Whizzer and Marvin calm down their relationship as well as helping Marvin calm down in general, which are both territory of these two overlapping quadrants. Moraillegiance, the pale quadrant, is like the relationship I have with Kanaya. Auspictism, the ashen quadrant, is basically what your human "therapists" do for money. They help mediate between a pair of kismesises," you rant, and you still think you can hear another voice in the house. Your ice cream refills, and you pick a piece of white dog hair out of it. Jade? Huh.

Dave seems preoccupied with how you're speaking on quadrants, or maybe he is just preoccupied with something else? That same rush of hope appeared, along with a feeling of  **knowing**  Dave liked you back.

_KARKAT: IGNORE FEELINGS AND CONTINUE WATCHING MOVIE_

You do as the author says, and you shut up for now as you and Dave watch the rest of the movie. Dave seems to have gotten very emotional by the end of it, and you can see some tears sneaking out of his shades when Whizzer dies.

"Hey Dave, what's wrong?" you ask, only to be suddenly cradling a weepy knight in your arms.

"You don't understand, Karkat.I'mm gonna live until I'm killed justly or heroically, but you..you're gonna die. Someday it'll just be me. and that scares me," he hiccups out, squeezing your sweater.

You stop him the fuck right there. "Hey Dave, don't worry. Jane has assured us that since her powers are now developed fully she can keep all of the non-gods alive indefinitely. Is that comforting? Also, before you go any further, you're sending out the most fucking pale solicitations and I already have a moirail. Are you planning for such a quadrant?" you ask. He smiles at you and gives you a quick peck on the cheek.

"It does comfort me, Kitkat. and I think I'm going for something a little more like a... matespirit, if you'd like that?" the bulgefucker asks. You smile, and use your sharp teeth to your advantage.

A voice comes over the loudspeaker, "Jeez, kids, get a room-\></". Oh, Dirk's splinter Hal. Also known as the asshole android that Equius somehow built a body for and proceeded to make out with. Why does he even HAVE access to the speakers if he has a normal body?

"We do, Hal. We're in my room right now. This is a completely private setting, ain't no fuckers gonna get into this crib tonight."

"Really?" the loudspeaker responds, "Well you should tell that to Jade, John, Jake, Vriska and several others currently hiding in various places in your home trying to get you two to romance each other. It worked, by the way- \></."

You let out a patented shitfit yell, and you can see the telltale green pop of light from when Jade transports lots of things. Assholes. This was entirely your plan, your night, and your time to make a grand romantic gesture.  **Sure was.** Wait.

Vriska?  **I'll 8e leaving now.** VRISKA?  **8ye!**

Fuckasses need to mind their own business. Dave doesn't seem to mind and lands an ice cream laced kiss while you're distracted. You stop thinking for a while and decide to resume your disagreement with Vriska later.  **Yup,** **l8r** **.** GETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUT!

You stay in his room for a good while, and later never seems to come around. Just you and Dave Elizabeth Strider, golden in the night.


End file.
